We are rapidly approaching the mad rush of the holiday season, and anyone who has experienced the sheer chaos of a mall from mid-November through Christmas should be able to attest that the taxing, soul-sucking experience would be greatly alleviated by a big, strong drink (or four). You still need to shop for the holiday season and you still want to indulge in the sweet, mind-numbing nectar of spirits, but that potential public intoxication charge probably isn’t worth the risk.
This is where drunkMall comes in. Allowing you to fulfill your shopping obligations and catered to the inebriated shopper, drunkMall is for everyone who wants to shop for ridiculous, banal things after getting schwasty faced, all in the comfort of their own home. Tell me this doesn’t sound a million times better than being stampeded in Target on Black Friday. Created by Tyler Mahan Coe as a one-stop shop for the utterly weird and strange, drunkMall is designed to get you to buy things your boring sober self would probably scoff at, but look like must-haves to a brain seeped in booze.
The site itself is merely the middleman between your drunken whims and the products that appeal to them. Items featured on drunkMall are available to be purchased, but the site isn’t an online vendor or direct wholesaler. Rather, drunkMall brilliantly connects drunken shoppers to all the products that are just plain irresistible when judgment is a bit impaired. For your pleasure, below is a compiled list of the 10 wackiest, most bizarre things you can find on drunkMall. Get out your credit cards and get to downing those bottles.
Full House View-Master Reels
Remember View-Masters, those wicked 90s toys where you would put a wheel of film inside plastic binoculars and click through them one at a time? Well to spark a 90s nostalgia of the highest order, you can view candid photos from Full House, arguably the pinnacle of cheesy 90s sitcoms.
“Unicorns Are Jerks” Coloring Book
Because we’ve all been secretly thinking it, now you can beautifully color unicorns doing the douchiest of things, from loitering to having the audacity to smoke in a “no smoking” zone. Just because you’re mystical doesn’t give you full reign to act as you please, unicorns.
Pizza Pendent Friendship Necklaces
Nothing can bind people together quite like an individual piece of jewelry that comes together to create a whole. And what better way to express your friendship than by sharing a gold slice of metallic pizza? You know it’s real when a friend surrenders a piece of pizza to you.
Elvie: The Kegel Tracker
Are you ever just working out your downstairs area and lose track of how many reps you’ve done? Well fret no more, because Elvie: The Kegel Tracker is here to keep you on count and make sure you work out that special place just enough, without it looking too roided out.
Light Up Tutus
When you’re drunk at home, alone, well into your second bottle of wine, dancing around your apartment singing Meredith Brooks’ “Bitch” at the top of your lungs, the one accessory that you are absolutely going to need to complete this majestic, cathartic release is a light up tutu. It’ll make you feel twirly and absolutely luminous.
Chameleon Tape Dispenser
Do you need this? No. Do you want it? You will. I mean, just look at the little guy. The tape acts as the chameleon’s tongue! It’s functional and biologically accurate. This is the perfect gag gift for that weirdo family member of yours.
Voodoo Breakup Candle
After an especially rough breakup, no one will fault you for diving into a bottle(s) – especially if you were cheated on. Wanna get back at that lying, no good son of a bitch? Buy this hideous breakup candle, light it on fire and watch their new romance burn to the ground in flames (guarantee not included).
“That’s Bullshit” Button
This one is exactly what it sounds like: sheer awesomeness. Putting mine on layaway as we speak.
The David Lynch Master’s Degree in Film
Drowning your sorrows in booze and thinking about the best way to make a change in your life? Well, you can sign up for The David Lynch Master’s Degree in Film program at The Maharishi University of Management. Basically, this course is designed to turn you into the renowned filmmaker of Twin Peaks and Mulholland Drive.
Gigantosaurus Cardboard Cutout
Who doesn’t want a giant cardboard cutout of an absolutely terrifying dinosaur? Just think of all the pranks you’ll be able to pull on the rest of your drunken friends with this bad boy.