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Welcome back to No Chill Zone, a weekly column where I rant and rave about how some aspects of our highly connected, digitized and viral culture is sucking the ever-loving chill out of us. For those of you who maybe don’t know, being described as having “no chill” essentially means that one has lost any semblance of common, rational sense, opting instead to take things to wildly unnecessary extremes, or, in layman’s terms, “doing the most.”

Each week, I’ll be picking a topic that I believe perfectly encapsulates what it means to have absolutely zero chill, and put it on blast. There will be judgment, there will be harsh words and there will probably be tears. No one is immune from a no chill moment, myself included. But hopefully, by pointing out the causation of what constitutes as having no chill, we can, as a unified society, start regaining that lost chill, one shred of dignity at a time. This week’s topic is:

Snapchat Etiquette

Here’s the deal: I love Snapchat. I’ve been stanning for Snapchat since 2012. I’d pick Snapchat over Instagram any day of the week, and I don’t care what the haters think. That said, the disappearing photo sharing social media app has evolved a lot over the past year, and it’s damn near time an unofficial official rulebook be written to highlight what exactly is and isn’t appropriate when using Snapchat. Because honestly, some of y’all have literally no chill when it comes to snapchatting.

Let’s start with the basic foundation of Snapchat: it’s vanishing act. The reason I think Snapchat is so much more fun and real than Instagram is because it strips away that artifice of perfection that Instagram shamelessly promotes. People spend forever tweaking a photo on Instagram to get those likes rolling in, and its boringly tedious. By promising that the photos sent and uploaded into Snapchat will disappear between 1 and 10 seconds after being viewed, it’s already a much more freeing, fun and acceptable app to show off our goofy, crazy sides without fear of judgment. Chill points: Snapchat – 1, Instagram – 0.

Though we all know there’s a catch – users can screenshot a Snapchat, thus saving it forever. That’s also known as having no chill. People, stop screenshotting photos in Snapchat. You are literally defeating the purpose of the entire app. If I wanted you to have that photo, I would send it to you. Don’t steal my intellectual property where I make a goblin face and doodle a dick onto something. It’s meant for a quick, inappropriate laugh and then extinction. Don’t be the Snapchat douche collecting screenshot Snapchats in your camera roll; it’s so not a good look.

One of Snapchat’s earlier updates was introducing a messaging feature, essentially becoming a text-messaging app as well. Well, guess what? There’s already a thousand of those, including the very basic text message app that comes equipped on all phones. Sure, sending a message reply or two to a particularly noteworthy Snapchat you receive is completely acceptable. If, however, you’re having an in-depth conversation within Snapchat, you need to reevaluate all that you’re doing. Might I suggest popping an icy fresh Icebreaker in hopes of regaining a bit of chill? Here’s another thing – do not bombard someone with multiple Snapchats in little to no time. The other day, I got 6 Snapchats from a friend in the span of 10 minutes. I’m highly reconsidering the label of friend I just used to describe them. There’s no need to act like a crack head by not having any impulse control.

Unacceptable.

Along those lines, we gotta talk about Snapchat’s new lenses. Yes, admittedly they are fun and fit in line with Snapchat’s aloof brand of photo sharing. However, I do not need 57 Snapchats from all my friends vomiting rainbows. I know they’re there, you know they’re there. Everyone’s getting them. Don’t blow up my phone with that shit. Their novelty wears off real fast, and I view them out of spite more than anything. It’s like hearing the same story 20 times in the span of a day – we get the freakin point!

Finally, when it comes to Snapchat stories, less is more. There is absolutely no reason why a Snapchat story needs to be longer than 1 minute unless I’m viewing the red carpet at the Met Gala. No one cares. You know why people view your shitty, long-ass story? Just to make the notification go away, and you know that each photo is being tapped to skip over it. Chill out, please. Your life is not that exciting or in need of such excruciating documentation. And as a final rule of thumb, why on God’s Earth would you ever make a selfie of yourself last for 10 whole seconds? That is a mind-numbingly long amount of time that leads me to the conclusion that you are the worst offender when it comes to showing no chill using Snapchat. It’s time to get your lives right, Snapchatters. Follow these rules or face the certain wrath of your friends.

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