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Welcome to a special, autumn themed edition of No Chill Zone, a weekly column where I rant and rave about how some aspects of today’s society are sucking the ever-loving chill out of us. For those of you who maybe don’t know, being described as having “no chill” essentially means that one has lost any semblance of common, rational sense, opting instead to take things to wildly unnecessary extremes, or, in layman’s terms, “doing the most.”

Each week, I’ll be picking a topic or thing that I believe perfectly encapsulates what it means to have absolutely zero chill, and put it on blast. There will be judgment, there will be harsh words and there will probably be tears. This week’s topic is:

Pumpkins

Fall is my favorite time of the year, though since relocating to the Bay Area from the East Coast a couple of years ago, I’ve learned the harsh reality that the concept of seasons just doesn’t exist out here. While this may be a blessing during other times of the year when people are sweating or freezing their balls off, I dread the arrival of Fall because it makes me think about all the gorgeous scenery, crisp temperatures and impeccable wardrobe options I don’t have the luxury of experiencing in the Bay.

I also dread Fall because of pumpkins.

Out of all the fruits, seasonal or otherwise, pumpkins are the ones with the least amount of chill imaginable. The second September rolls around and the temperature dare drop to a number with a 6 in the front, a blinding, obnoxious wave of orange infects the country, with a non-stop barrage of pumpkin recipes, products, crafts and the nadir of all pumpkin-related maladies – spice. You need only look to the Internet and social media to know when the Autumn Equinox hits. The ironic pumpkin spice memes and post after post of leaves begin to saturate Instagram and the web.

For starters, why does the pumpkin have to so obnoxiously make its presence known the second Autumn falls? I get that it’s in season and all, but you don’t see the watermelon being such an attention whore in the summer. Take a cue from the watermelon, pumpkins. There’s a way to be chill about your status as the fruity mascot for a given season. I do not need to see pumpkin spice tortilla chips all over my timelines. We get it pumpkins, you think you make everything taste better. Stop being a social media show off.

Not only does the pumpkin represent an entire season, it also has its own damn holiday. The ghoulish gourd is constantly paraded around as a decorative ornamental, butchered to within an inch of its life to scare people and is just straight up one of the most popular Halloween costumes of all-time. Does the fact that society’s obsession with eating pumpkin anything and the popularity of dressing babies up as cute, plump pumpkins for Halloween slightly disturb anyone else but me?

I feel your pain, little buddy.

God forbid pumpkins employ a little modesty about what they’re used in. Sure, pumpkin pie and pumpkin baked goods are acceptable, and in some cases, very tasty. Hell, I even have no qualms with a pumpkin beer on a mild Fall afternoon watching football. But for the love of all that is holy, why do pumpkins need to infiltrate every edible item on the planet?

And its not like pumpkins cease to exist once November ends. Why is the pumpkin devoting all of its PR to a single season? There’s no need to relentlessly overexpose yourself and shove your stringy insides down our throats ad nauseum for three months. Do people not understand that you can get a freaking pumpkin spice latte year-round? You’re only playing into the no chill narrative of the pumpkin by becoming rabid zombies for it.

We’re in the digital age where there are actual think pieces about pumpkin spice – that’s how oversaturated the pumpkin has become. Not like there aren’t war torn countries and millions of impoverished people to worry about and spotlight; no, let’s continue to fret about being called “basic” for liking pumpkin spice lattes. Take a page out of the playbook of the season you represent and chill the fuck out, pumpkins. Your seasonal tyranny is the epitome of having no chill.

 

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