Welcome back to No Chill Zone, a weekly column where I rant and rave about how some aspects of today’s society are sucking the ever-loving chill out of us. For those of you who maybe don’t know, being described as having “no chill” essentially means that one has lost any semblance of common, rational sense, opting instead to take things to wildly unnecessary extremes, or, in layman’s terms, “doing the most.”
Each week, I’ll be picking a topic that I believe perfectly encapsulates what it means to have absolutely zero chill, and put it on blast. There will be judgment, there will be harsh words and there will probably be tears. This week’s topic is:
These days, if you’re doing anything digitally or online, you’re more than likely going to need a password. From multiple email accounts ranging from personal to work-related, social media profiles and accounts, WiFi, online banking, retailers, forums, job applications and more, pretty much everything requires a freaking username and password.
Usernames aren’t too terrible to come up with – most places allow you to use your email address, or come up with some available variant of your name to create a profile. Passwords, however, which should be something that an individual has complete control over, have become a nadir of the Internet because every site has exerted their unwanted authority of what a password should entail to be suitable.
Excuse the living hell out of me, but what gives you the right to dictate what my password should contain? It’s my damn password! And to be honest, I like to use the same password for everything. That may not be the most secure approach, but the password I’ve come up with is detailed and not easily guessable, even if you really know me. And since I need access to a million different things that require passwords, it’s just the easiest approach to reuse the same one so I can get in seamlessly. But no, a sick wave of no chill has overcome everything requiring a password, and this dictatorial nonsense has gone too far.
So now, instead of being able to use my carefully constructed password for all of my various accounts, I have a ridiculously unwieldy amount of variants on said password to access all sorts of different things, with no way of ever remembering which letter I had to capitalize for one, lowercase for another, or what stupid special character I had to tack on somewhere on yet another. As if that’s not enough to drive a person completely insane, when a site has a laundry list of requirements for a password with no real rhyme or reason to it, I’d rather smash my computer than complete my account. Don’t even get me started on shit that makes you change your password every month. The only thing that requires that much security is nuclear codes.
Want a surefire way to drive me completely away from your service? Show me something like this when I attempt to register and create a password: “Your password must be between 8 and 24 characters long, include at least one uppercase letter, one lowercase letter, one of the following punctuation marks (.?!’;:”/), a special character (@#$%^&*=+) and at least one number.” How about you fuck off?
Now not only do I have to waste 20 minutes coming up with some hieroglyphic cypher code to log in to your stupid site, but I have to actually remember if I placed the asterisk in front of or behind the exclamation point, and where in relation my random ass 1234 numeral falls into place. Is someone really gunning that hard to hack into my account on Target.com? Hell no. Not only are you terribly inconveniencing potential users and customers of your product or service, you’re making it a million times harder for them to return and access their accounts? This is the most counterintuitive safety model I’ve ever heard of, and it straight up overfloweth with zero chill.