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Welcome back No Chill Zone, a weekly column where I rant and rave about how some aspects of today’s society are sucking the ever-loving chill out of us. For those of you who maybe don’t know, being described as having “no chill” essentially means that one has lost any semblance of common, rational sense, opting instead to take things to wildly unnecessary extremes, or, in layman’s terms, “doing the most.”

Each week, I’ll be picking a topic that I believe perfectly encapsulates what it means to have absolutely zero chill, and put it on blast. There will be judgment, there will be harsh words and there will probably be tears. This week’s topic is:

Online Dating Profiles

The year was 2000. Teen pop was in full swing. The turn of the millennium was marked by an album that to this day holds the record for the highest first week sales of any album in history. That album is No Strings Attached by boy band N’SYNC. While the legacy of that album is mostly remembered for that aforementioned milestone and the smash hits “Bye Bye Bye” and “It’s Gonna Be Me,” buried deep in its deep cuts is a track that foreshadowed how technology would forever change the dating landscape. With “Digital Get Down,” N’SYNC accurately predicted the rise of sexting, Skype sex, Netflix and chill, and most importantly, online dating.

60% of Americans have said they’ve tried online dating. That’s nearly 2/3 of the single dating pool. With technology and dating sites and apps springing up like wildflowers, online dating is eschewing traditional forms of meeting people and facilitating many new relationships, for better or worse. The “worse” part is that only 5% of people who are married or in committed long-term relationships say they met online. The wild wild west of the Internet dating world doesn’t exactly have a stellar reputation.

Wondering why? Well, have you looked at the profiles that people put up on dating sites? If ever there were documentation and primary source material that will be shown years in the future to study the phenomenon of having no chill, online dating profiles would have to rank towards the top. Online dating profiles are rife with people doing the absolute most and showing the worst sides of themselves, all in efforts to make good first impressions. If it sounds contradictory to you, then you might actually have some chill coursing through your body. The rest of you? Let me break down some of things you absolutely should not do on your dating profiles, lest you get left swiped on for having no chill.

  1. Maybe don’t voice your prejudices in your profile. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve come across dating profiles that include a laundry list of racist, misogynistic, homophobic, elitist requirements, or “preferences,” for a potential suitor. You saying you’re not attracted to other races isn’t a preference, asshole. It’s you consciously being a bigot. Then again, whenever I see such stupidity, I know not to waste an ounce of my time on that person, so maybe putting that stuff front and center on a profile is actually a blessing in disguise.
  2. Don’t tell someone how they should go about contacting you. People can be shy, even when dating online. What makes you so special and important that you don’t want people to reach out or message you saying “Hi” or asking, “How’s it going?” You do realize these are normal, perfectly acceptable greetings that people actually use in the real world, right? Get off your high horse and find some chill.
  3. In pretty much every dating profile, there’s a section called “About Me” or something of similar effect. Here’s what you should not do: don’t write in that section “I’m not good at this sort of thing” or “I don’t know how to talk about myself.” One, that’s already painfully obvious from the statement. Two, why on Earth would you even draw attention to that fact? Three, if you’re not good at it, then just leave it blank. Sure, it doesn’t give people much to go off of, but it adds an element of mystery to you rather than pointing out how dull and uncreative you are. Also, people are probably swiping past your profile too fast to even notice you don’t have anything there in the first place.
  4. It’s 2015 – for God sakes, please upload a clear picture of yourself where I can actually discern who you are if you were, say, in a police lineup. There’s just no excuse, people. You present yourself to people in the world everyday with your face; why do you think you can get away with not doing so on an online dating site where interaction is non-visual?

Tread lightly into the online dating pool, my friends. Hopefully if you see any of the above instances of no chill, you’ll know to move right on past the offender. And if you recognize any of yourself in these, start editing your profile before it’s too late.

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