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Welcome back No Chill Zone, a weekly column where I rant and rave about how some aspects of today’s society are sucking the ever-loving chill out of us. For those of you who maybe don’t know, being described as having “no chill” essentially means that one has lost any semblance of common, rational sense, opting instead to take things to wildly unnecessary extremes, or, in layman’s terms, “doing the most.”

Each week, I’ll be picking a topic that I believe perfectly encapsulates what it means to have absolutely zero chill, and put it on blast. There will be judgment, there will be harsh words and there will probably be tears. This week’s topic is:

Illuminati Conspiracy Theorists

“It’s not Steve Jobs or Bill Gates, it’s not the Google of United States.” – Madonna’s “Illuminati”


Full disclosure: I’m a bit fascinated with the Illuminati. I was forthcoming about the fact that everyone is susceptible to a no chill moment, myself included, when I started this column, and I’ve gotta say, I’ve been known to get swept up in the whole Illuminati concept. Case in point, I may have purchased All-Seeing Eye earrings for a poorly conceived Halloween costume where I was an Illuminatized Roman, one of Nicki Minaj’s alter egos. Though, the less said about that the better.

The point is, there’s something innately captivating and sexy about an underground, ancient secret society that’s pulling the strings and has its members in positions of great power with wealth and influence they use to coyly push through some sort of secret agenda. This does not, however, mean that every person with money, prominence, fame or power is a hooded member of the Illuminati – something that many conspiracy nuts on the Internet simply cannot dismiss.

If you think that many people in the dark corners of the Internet aren’t utterly obsessed and convinced with the fact that every notable person on the planet is Illuminati, well, you need only refer to the prologue Madonna lyric of this piece, or rather, take a quick minute to just type “Illuminati” into YouTube and prepare yourself for a deluge of self-made videos where people meticulously break down the most ludicrous things and point to them as being proof that the Illuminati is real and their presence is everywhere. And because conspiracy theorists are always nipping at the heels of anyone who will mildly pay attention to their mad musings, there are an abundance of online forums where the bright minds of today argue their conclusive proof of the Illuminati’s existence and influence.

I get how it’s easy to get caught up in the mystique and intrigue of the Illuminati, but some of you need a serious wake up call and a dose of chill. News flash, not everything and everyone is Illuminati! Just because you find hidden triangles in architecture does not mean it’s a secret base for Illuminati gatherings. Just because a pop star does a dance move where he or she circles one of their eyes with their fingers and peers through it does not mean they are revealing to the world their Illuminati allegiance. Just because you play a song backwards and it sounds like a weird, ritualistic chant does not mean the music industry is trying to indoctrinate you into the Illuminati. You need to take a deep breath and chill the hell out.

The great thing about the Internet is that it connects people with unlimited amounts of information at their fingertips, and allows people to spread and share whatever it is they like with others. In other words, this is a license to kill for conspiracy theorists. The pop culture allure of the Illuminati makes this one of the most discussed and predominant conspiracy theories out there. The thing is, if you look at something long and hard enough, you’ll see something that eventually fits and matches with your preconceived notions, ideas and conspiracy-fueled paranoia. This does not mean there’s an ounce of truth to it.

Sadly, people without chill have trouble separating fact from fiction. Anytime you see a triangle drawn onto a photo or meme and being spread online, a lot of the time it’s someone poking fun at the whole Illuminati thing, but there are those who are seriously convinced that Jay Z and Beyoncé are the Illuminati leaders of the world. To them I say, keep calm and get your chill on.

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