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Times are a-changing. Soda consumption is dropping at a staggering rate. Making a cup of coffee now only takes 30 seconds with the Keurig. So naturally, in a move to save their industry and continue shoving high fructose corn syrup laced beverages into people’s faceholes, Coke partnered with the king of coffee makers to launch the Keurig Kold.

Unfortunately, Keurig’s winning formula didn’t work this time. The Kold is a horrendous, over-priced machine that doesn’t provide any real solutions in the kitchen, or in life. Like the traditional Keurig, the device relies on pellets to produce drinks. But unlike your favorite morning kitchen appliance, it dishes out soft drinks instead of coffee. Here’s what the CEO and President of the company had to say about the controversial device:

“The disruptive countertop-size innovation in KOLD is like nothing consumers have ever experienced – from the rapid chilling that turns room temperature water to a perfectly chilled drink at the push of a button; to the dispensing technology that produces consistently great tasting beverages; to the pod technology which enables fully carbonated beverages. KOLD delivers game changing, on-demand variety of sparkling or non-carbonated beverages all fresh made with Keurig simplicity.”

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Smart Soda Machine Blues

On the positive side, both companies were able to agree on an incredibly simple way to work the machine. Before attempting to lodge a pellet inside the chamber, you first have to leave the device on for two hours to cool the chiller. This is essential because if you don’t, you’ll end up with hot soda that will make you rethink your purchase and existence. When the unit is ready, you have to peel back the cover (very important) before initiating the mix. Forgetting this step will waste the pod and fizzle out a dud.

A CNET test confirmed that the drink tastes different from the stuff that comes out of a traditional can (why mess with something that’s already perfect?). On the positive side, your drink does come out cold. “While I love Keurig and the thought of making sodas at home, this machine just hasn’t worked for me,” mentioned a customer. “I’ve wasted pod after pod, with only 1 out of 3 sodas coming out at a time. They do come out cold, which is great.”

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Kold Alternatives

Adding to the impracticality of the appliance is the price. Each unit costs $370, while its competitors, such as SodaStream, are selling their contraptions for less than $100. A box of pods goes for $5, making each drink around $1.25, which means you’re actually losing money each time you use the device when compared to hitting up a vending machine or gas station for a nice, cold soda pop. Surprisingly, you can use the Kold to make other Keurig drinks. When you get sick of sodas, you can venture out and indulge in iced teas, sports drinks and zero-calorie seltzers.

For $370, you could set up your own soda water fountain rig at home, which is every consumer’s childhood dream. Alternatively, you could also purchase a personal soda dispenser for around-the-clock pop service (no 90-second waiting period and refills are cheaper). Bottom line, the Keurig Kold doesn’t successfully revolutionize soda making the way its predecessor was a game changer for coffee.

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